Posted June 10, 2024
I've thought of too many ideas for this premise that keeping it to myself would be a crime.
A Spaceballs-style parody of Jurassic Park called "Jurassic Porky's"
Parody-Hammond is less Dino-Santa and more like he is in the novel, but more mustache-twirling. Now that his island is loaded with dinosaurs, the only feeding method on his mind is is to employ literal retards who stumble into any dino-mouth the first chance they get. Parody-Alan speaks like Forrest Gump, and even says "Paleontology is like life; you never know what you're gonna get." Parody-Ellie is his "husband-sitter", and she ignores him trying to point out the Brachiosaur by thinking it's just another childish thing. All dinosaurs would be the most detailed hand-puppets you'll see anywhere instead of CGI, and camera trickery helps make them look nearly as real as Spielberg's dino-bots. Parody-Ian is a twitching savant who spouts math equations or references with every line, always doubling as either a gag or grim foreshadowing of Hammond's evil plot. He describes a pile of "65" DVDs with the same line as Triceratops poop while Ellie determines from it the Triceratops is an Adam Driver fangirl and therefore sick (see the Reylo controversy). The children are already introduced by now so they can jump on the Triceratops belly like a trampoline and nobody notices they cause an egg to pop out and land in the bushes.
The Muldoon/Owen hybrid proudly introduces his Raptor Squad by feeding a Karen in a fake cow to them (muffled cries about speaking to the manager fall on deaf ears) and warns that he has educated them on philosophy, which they use to bore targets when keeping them alive. In the Visitor Center, they watch a making-of video of Hammond reverse-engineering birds to rebecome their giant ancestors (always female too, we promise) and Tim points out not every species here has surviving descendants. "We filled the gaps with clownfish DNA." Parody-Nedry is a buff gamer-jock who plots altruistically to ruin the scheme by stealing eggs and basing the island security on a copy of Jurassic Park: Trespasser. Over dinner, Hammond argues with Ellie over parallels to a zoo rather than a theme park.
The island is evacuated to avoid a giant locust swarm and while the cars are parked near the T-rex, power fails because Arnold can't articulate his in-game arm to save his life. Alan and Ian both use flares to grab the escaped T-rex's attention because they want to play with her; she chases Ian towards Gennaro during his unrelated and relaxed bathroom visit. T-rex politely re-assembles the stall, but then eats him anyway and the walls were just sandwich bread. Alan invites the children out of the car to play with Rexy and only don't get eaten because she's overtly more interested in exploring what she can eat of the car. Alan rappels down the wall with both children on his back while the car is sent tumbling over the edge and explodes beneath the canopy below; it would surely be the best stunt in any parody movie.
After Alan and the kids have wandered away from a trail leading to the Visitor's Center because it's labeled "employees only", Ellie and Owen search for survivors and find Ian under a fern and in another math-fit. While the T-rex chases them, the driver's mirror shows a faker than usual puppet and tells Owen "Objects in mirror are more realistic than they appear". Alan & kids settle into a fancy unexplained treehouse and offer a giant leaf to a Brachiosaur with giraffe colors. She blows her forehead-nose with it and a giant booger blasts through to splat Lex on the face. Nedry is blockaded from his escape by the locusts ("I thought this island was supposed to be full of dinosaurs!"); so he braves a longer and more treacherous route of slippery waterfalls and frill-neck lizards, only to get the car stuck in a tar-pit and sink into death with a cool pose.
Alan & the kids descend from the tree and find dinosaur eggs, which they quickly make into breakfast and Tim says they taste like Clownfish. Alan mistakes a flock of Gallimimus for ostriches (save for this next stunt, they're actually bald ostriches) and throws the children then himself onto them. This is accidentally the right action, because Rexy is hot on their tail until it trips over a big log. Ellie searches for Arnold in the power station with Owen on lookout for his escaped Raptor Squad and finds him in a heated political debate with Blue. Ian is done with Hammond's purposely bad directions, clonks him on the head, and describes what should be done. Reaching over her to pull the lever angers Blue and she chases Ellie out while Owen watches Delta and realizes too late that Charlie is primed to challenge his religious beliefs. Alan insists they should climb over the electric fence but Tim & Lex just squeeze between the wires. Alan fallows suit just in time to be zapped when it turns on and the kids dismiss this as a prank and return without him.
Lex turns down green Jell-O due to trauma but sees the silhouette of a puppeteer and they duck into the kitchen to hide. Delta keeps offering subjects to debate until Tim points her towards the freezer full of meat and she falls for it. No need to lock the door, an old butler carrying a tray of wine glasses just blocks her path out. Of all the luck, Lex has been playing Trespasser non-stop for a year and knows the controls like the back of a bizarrely-twisted hand. Alan & Ellie struggle to close the door unopposed because the spring is broken. Lex gets the doors to lock and they escape through the ceiling while Charlie tries to suggest economic reform. Blue chases them through the bone-themed jungle-gym in the main hall and corners them with Charlie's help on the floor. Before they can propose nihilism, Rexy suddenly materializes via literal Star Trek beam and fights the Raptor Squad while a "Get prepared for dinner!" banner flutters down. Everyone escapes into Hammond's car, which Ian struggles to drive towards the helipad.
A Spaceballs-style parody of Jurassic Park called "Jurassic Porky's"
Parody-Hammond is less Dino-Santa and more like he is in the novel, but more mustache-twirling. Now that his island is loaded with dinosaurs, the only feeding method on his mind is is to employ literal retards who stumble into any dino-mouth the first chance they get. Parody-Alan speaks like Forrest Gump, and even says "Paleontology is like life; you never know what you're gonna get." Parody-Ellie is his "husband-sitter", and she ignores him trying to point out the Brachiosaur by thinking it's just another childish thing. All dinosaurs would be the most detailed hand-puppets you'll see anywhere instead of CGI, and camera trickery helps make them look nearly as real as Spielberg's dino-bots. Parody-Ian is a twitching savant who spouts math equations or references with every line, always doubling as either a gag or grim foreshadowing of Hammond's evil plot. He describes a pile of "65" DVDs with the same line as Triceratops poop while Ellie determines from it the Triceratops is an Adam Driver fangirl and therefore sick (see the Reylo controversy). The children are already introduced by now so they can jump on the Triceratops belly like a trampoline and nobody notices they cause an egg to pop out and land in the bushes.
The Muldoon/Owen hybrid proudly introduces his Raptor Squad by feeding a Karen in a fake cow to them (muffled cries about speaking to the manager fall on deaf ears) and warns that he has educated them on philosophy, which they use to bore targets when keeping them alive. In the Visitor Center, they watch a making-of video of Hammond reverse-engineering birds to rebecome their giant ancestors (always female too, we promise) and Tim points out not every species here has surviving descendants. "We filled the gaps with clownfish DNA." Parody-Nedry is a buff gamer-jock who plots altruistically to ruin the scheme by stealing eggs and basing the island security on a copy of Jurassic Park: Trespasser. Over dinner, Hammond argues with Ellie over parallels to a zoo rather than a theme park.
The island is evacuated to avoid a giant locust swarm and while the cars are parked near the T-rex, power fails because Arnold can't articulate his in-game arm to save his life. Alan and Ian both use flares to grab the escaped T-rex's attention because they want to play with her; she chases Ian towards Gennaro during his unrelated and relaxed bathroom visit. T-rex politely re-assembles the stall, but then eats him anyway and the walls were just sandwich bread. Alan invites the children out of the car to play with Rexy and only don't get eaten because she's overtly more interested in exploring what she can eat of the car. Alan rappels down the wall with both children on his back while the car is sent tumbling over the edge and explodes beneath the canopy below; it would surely be the best stunt in any parody movie.
After Alan and the kids have wandered away from a trail leading to the Visitor's Center because it's labeled "employees only", Ellie and Owen search for survivors and find Ian under a fern and in another math-fit. While the T-rex chases them, the driver's mirror shows a faker than usual puppet and tells Owen "Objects in mirror are more realistic than they appear". Alan & kids settle into a fancy unexplained treehouse and offer a giant leaf to a Brachiosaur with giraffe colors. She blows her forehead-nose with it and a giant booger blasts through to splat Lex on the face. Nedry is blockaded from his escape by the locusts ("I thought this island was supposed to be full of dinosaurs!"); so he braves a longer and more treacherous route of slippery waterfalls and frill-neck lizards, only to get the car stuck in a tar-pit and sink into death with a cool pose.
Alan & the kids descend from the tree and find dinosaur eggs, which they quickly make into breakfast and Tim says they taste like Clownfish. Alan mistakes a flock of Gallimimus for ostriches (save for this next stunt, they're actually bald ostriches) and throws the children then himself onto them. This is accidentally the right action, because Rexy is hot on their tail until it trips over a big log. Ellie searches for Arnold in the power station with Owen on lookout for his escaped Raptor Squad and finds him in a heated political debate with Blue. Ian is done with Hammond's purposely bad directions, clonks him on the head, and describes what should be done. Reaching over her to pull the lever angers Blue and she chases Ellie out while Owen watches Delta and realizes too late that Charlie is primed to challenge his religious beliefs. Alan insists they should climb over the electric fence but Tim & Lex just squeeze between the wires. Alan fallows suit just in time to be zapped when it turns on and the kids dismiss this as a prank and return without him.
Lex turns down green Jell-O due to trauma but sees the silhouette of a puppeteer and they duck into the kitchen to hide. Delta keeps offering subjects to debate until Tim points her towards the freezer full of meat and she falls for it. No need to lock the door, an old butler carrying a tray of wine glasses just blocks her path out. Of all the luck, Lex has been playing Trespasser non-stop for a year and knows the controls like the back of a bizarrely-twisted hand. Alan & Ellie struggle to close the door unopposed because the spring is broken. Lex gets the doors to lock and they escape through the ceiling while Charlie tries to suggest economic reform. Blue chases them through the bone-themed jungle-gym in the main hall and corners them with Charlie's help on the floor. Before they can propose nihilism, Rexy suddenly materializes via literal Star Trek beam and fights the Raptor Squad while a "Get prepared for dinner!" banner flutters down. Everyone escapes into Hammond's car, which Ian struggles to drive towards the helipad.
Post edited December 11, 2024 by LegoDnD
